Is this Red Dawn?

I hate you IJ

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 19:49:16 GMT

Test

Keep your fingers crossed....

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 19:47:03 GMT

Muck muck man to deliver tmw around 1230...

Please new muck muck man, do not disappoint me. I need some good stuff in my life right now.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 19:16:53 GMT

Test...fucking IJ

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 19:14:30 GMT

Test

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 18:21:10 GMT

As my Bush countdown so appropiately says "Stick a fork in him. He's done".

Nothing else needs to be said.

Welcome aboard President Obama.

Ninja Kitty!!

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 17:50:58 GMT

Fucking HILARIOUS!!!

Sunday is as Sunday does...

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 17:05:39 GMT

I did manage to do almost everything on my to-do list from yesterday. All that is, except the housework. I'm in sort of a conundrum as of late. I'm not doing the housework I used to do. I'm still participating in the general running of the household (food shopping, care and walking of the dogs, emptying/filling the dishwasher, going to work). I just can't muster up the energy or the follow through to do major housework (vaccuming, laundry and general picking up of things left around). I don't know why. I know I should be doing it. My brain tells me I will do it. I make the decision to do it but then when it comes down to executing the plan: fail.

I'm feeling a bit....

I can't really even think of a word that would describe how I'm feeling right now in my life. Not unhappy. Not necessarily happy either. More robotic than anything else. Just going through the motions until the end of the day when I fall asleep and do the same thing all over again the next day. Funny thing is I enjoy having to do the same thing everyday. I like to eat the same food everyday, wear the same type of clothes everyday and stick to a schedule that has very little change to it. Normally I would be pretty damn happy right now as there is very little deviation from my day to day activities. I'm not.

I feel balled up inside.

Balled up like almost like an abused child waiting for the next strike. Like I know something is coming down the pike but can't quite put my finger on it. If this is another bout of Depression it's not something I'm used too.

Saturday is a work day

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 18:14:34 GMT

Today both Ashley and I have to work. I'm only working a short 3 hour shift. Unfortunately Ashley is working all day. I'm treating myself to a little breakfast after my shift (which is over in 24 minutes). Maybe I'll just go back to bed. Decisions will have to be made when I get closer to home.

Today's agenda:
--Finish work
--Find food
--More sleep
--Walk Dogs
--Housework (/blah)
--Spend time with Ashley
--Wow

I life my uncomplicated life!

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 16:32:03 GMT

Sometimes the smallest thing can set you off into a whirlwind of irritation. I was driving in my downtown area early this morning when I came to a street flagger around some construction. I stopped and waited for the signal to go forward only realizing that when he did give me the go ahead there was no where for me to go. My options: drive into oncoming traffic which did not have any clear markings that distinguished a new lane or drive in between the cones and stick to my own lane of traffic.

I stuck to my own lane of traffic, only to be yelled at by some asshat that I was in the wrong area. Well I'm not going into oncoming traffic that isn't clearly marked. So he yelled at me not realizing that his own company and flagger are inadequate. I thought about stopping and asking to speak to his supervisor but in the end just kept driving.

The world is an uptight place. I don't like this feeling of competitive meaness that I've been experiencing lately. People are being purposefully spiteful. It makes me want hole up in my home and never have human contact again.

/meh

Another Question...

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 16:20:58 GMT

Anyone know why my email posts don't go through. I've checked, rechecked and triple checked and all is in standing order but my email post(s) never make it. They did work for a while about 6 months ago and then suddenly stopped.

/sad

Question...

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 05:53:35 GMT

Does anyone remember where to look to see how many people are using IJ?

and then there was none

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 21:18:12 GMT

The $10k that I received is officially gone. The check cleared yesterday at 5p and by 5:10 I paid the furnace people $3200, the credit card $6000 and with the remaining $800 went to everyday bills so that the incoming paychecks will have a little bit of room to play.

During those 10 minutes from check cleared to check gone I thought about not putting so much money on the crdit card. I thought about keeping some of the money just to have. I thought about buying clothes or going to Vegas. I thought about buying a bigger tv or a wii. In the end I just kept to the plan.

As long as nothing major happens (knock on wood) to the house or to one of the living entities in the household I should see a pretty dramatic change to my monthly bills. Well actually not monetarily as I'll still be paying the same amount in credit card payment. The difference is that a) my regular monthly payment of $400 will make a significant reduction in total amount owed and not just barely pay the finance charge and b) I don't have said credit card any longer so can't add to the existing balance.

I'm looking forward to seeing how the tax season sizes up for 2008. This is the first year that I can write off the interest paid on the house. Since Ashley and I own the house together we'll split the interest. $5500 additional tax deduction for each. Ashley should see a sizeable refund. I too will get a sizeable refund but as I still owe a few grand to the IRS in back taxes I probably won't get much if anything at all.

I should have kept $15 for lunch and coffee :)

It figures....

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 17:19:18 GMT

I've been so looking forward to getting the trust fund money and paying off my credit card. Now it seems "life" would like to intervene and make me put that money some place else like, oh I don't know, heating the house. It's hard for me to put into words how frustrated I am right now. I'm now faced with a $3000 bill for having to get the furnace replaced. I'm learning very quickly how much of a slum lord the previous owner of my home was (is). It's beginning to look as if he just did the bare minimum in fixing the major issues of my home before he sold it. I just spend $1000 getting my bathroom back up to working order and now with the recent torrential rains that flooded my basement my furnace has burned itself into oblivion.

I'm trying to remain positive. I have the money to fix it. If it wasn't for my trust money I would really be up shit-creek. I'm getting a new energy efficient (95/5) as opposed to my crap-tastistic archaic 70/30 furnace. The people that are coming tomorrow are going to build the furnace high off the ground so that if we ever get rain like this again, it's unlikely it will ever reach the furnace.

I will still be able to pay a substantial amount toward my credit card. $7000 of it. I won't be getting new tires for Dusty. At least not right away. There are a lot of things that need to be done (oil change, check up) that are going to have to be put on the back burner until the paychecks start coming in on a regular basis. I've taken some extra work at vrs to help get a kick start on making sure the ending balance of the credit card is paid off as soon as financially possible.

I.O.N.
My 2 remaining brothers also received their checks. I wonder what happened to John's money? I'm curious if grammy ever left him something or if he was never included in the will. I wonder if with his passing if his money was just swallowed into the bigger picture.

I.O.O.N
I'm going to see the Peking Acrobats today as my last Christmas gift from Ashley. We've been fighting a lot since finding out that the furnace needs to be replaced. Nothing like a $3k bill to send two people into a whirlwind of emotions. This will hopefully relieve some of the stress that we've both been feeling.

I'm at vrs right now. Trying to get through the last 90 minutes of my shift without getting so irritated that I walk out early. It's so hard for me to be here sometimes now that this is no longer my primary source of income. Thankfully my shifts are only 3 hours long (and never longer if I can help it).

Cut to January 6th, 2009

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 03:19:31 GMT

I received my trust fund check today.

$10,000.

It's in the bank waiting to be cleared. After waiting for 7 years the money is in my possession. It's already earmarked for paying off my $9k credit card debt. With the remaining $1000, I'll be purchasing 4 tires for Dusty and maybe treat myself to a haircut.

I'm not sad that my grandfather passed away on Christmas. It's quite a lovely gift he gave my side of the family when he took his last breath on the 25th of December 2008. He hated us. We were not his flesh and blood. My mother and her sister were already here when he met and married my grandmother and for that he made it known he would never love us as much as his own children (which were already here before he met and married my grandmother).

He was the only grandfather I knew as they were married before I was born. Yet, I was never one of his. When my grammy passed she set up a trust fund for each of her flesh and blood grandchildren. The stipulation: the money could not be dispersed until Joe (my grandfather) died. For seven long years he lived off the interest of the all the trust funds combined.

Then Christmas came.

I hope in his last breath he understood how alone he was. How his biological son only loved him for his money and swindled every cent leaving Joe broke ass poor except for the trust money that sustained him in his basic needs.

Merry Christmas Joe!

OH HAI

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 21:52:57 GMT

I'm back.

Sort of.

I ended all my other online blogging (except facebook). I'm here since I have perm account and 5000 icon spaces. I miss LJ but refuse to go back as I don't want to be all over the internet.

I'm going to probably be tweaking my friends list soon. More close knit I think.

I'll dust off this journal over the next couple of weeks.

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 19:10:06 GMT

WTF is wrong with my IJ? My post by email isn't working. My email notification isn't working....

God damn it. LJ is looking better to me again.

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 16:27:01 GMT

Army of Women...

I signed up.

Will you?

http://www.armyofwomen.org/

Why ayr we elektin an ayyyyrab?

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 19:08:40 GMT

Oh my fucking god...these people are voters!!

I love the library...

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 21:34:51 GMT

Went to my local mini library and found some Depeche Mode music ("Black Celebration" and "Ultra"). Ran to my car to retrieve laptop and burned to itunes. From itunes to some blank cd(s) (why yes I do carry black cds in my car - you never know when you might need to burn music from laptop in out of the way places) and now am going to enjoy some lovely music on the way to my Coping Class.

I fucking love the library!!

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 16:44:51 GMT

I want this letter opener for Christmas....It's the latest in technology!

Vlog #6

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 17:58:22 GMT

Me...catching up

Friday night and New York Steaks

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 23:49:16 GMT

Today will include the following:

** Walking the dogs on fabulous new front lead harnesses. I'm not sure where my dogs are but the dogs that I walked were like angels and I've decided to keep them.

** Grilling half off New York steaks in the backyard (were priced at $18. I paid $9)

** Obtaining new library card.

** Hanging out in my backyard that I've come to think of as my secret hide-a-way.

** Importing Trace Adkins onto itunes. (Yes, I love country...)

** Finishing up Capote (The movie) in back yard as the sun sets.

** Starting new Truman Capote book from Library.

** Drinking ice cold beer

Today makes all the emotional "stuff" from the week absolutely worth it!!

Absolutely!

Emotional vomit

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 22:14:00 GMT

In anticipation of my initial visit with a mental health specialist at group health, I didn't hardly sleep a wink last night and didn't go into work today.

I like the lady.

She says I'm moderately / severely depressed.

I knew this already.

However she also acknowledge my not wanting to return to Paxil and felt that I was in an okay place to make that decision. I told her my previous experience of being given the anti-depressant and placed in the corner only to be forgotten about for the next 7 years. She didn't like the sound of that and said we should solely try cognitive therapy before even suggesting the introduction of medication again (if ever).

She asked her questions. I answered. Each answer painted a raw picture of emotional vomit that I've been dying to talk about. She asked me what I wanted out of spending time together to which I said "Paxil didn't cure my depression / anxiety nor allow me to examine my life and all that has happened. It only suppressed those things . I don't want to walk down the sidewalk any longer with this "stuff" behind me. I want to turn around and just confront it".

Yhea I said that.

We talked about my "ticks" or nervous movements. She said to give it a few more weeks to see if they dissipate. If they don't not to worry. She encouraged me to journal on paper. This led to an interesting discussion of my inability to do so because I feel like I'm not being honest but only writing what I think other people would like to read. This led to discussing my need for perfection due to needing to make my mother happy. This led to discussing my mother forcing me to be perfect in order to forget how imperfect her parenting skills were. Which led to discussing her relationship with her mother and her sister....deeper and deeper it goes.

There is a lot of work to be done.

I think I'm ready for it. I won't see her again for a few weeks. Insurance stuff. But the way I look at it; it took me 38 years to get this fucked up I can take my time trying to figure out how to unravel everything.

I feel raw. My stomach is all wound up. My teeth hurt from clenching them. I can't seem to stay focused on any one thing for too long. But I took the first step in letting someone in to see my imperfections / general fucked-uped-ness so I feel really good about that. The best thing out of today is I got a referral to attend a weekly coping skills class. They're free so I don't have to worry about running out of "sessions". I'll be participating as soon as I get a call from them.

I.O.N.
Actually I guess there isn't any other news as of now.

I have a few announcements...

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 18:32:29 GMT

The first: I had a fantastic weekend. They seem rare in my current state so I am trying to hold on to this lovely post weekend feeling as long as possible. It did in fact include the following:

Camping at Hamma Hamma
Fishing (Ashley not me, but fun to watch)
Lots of picture taking (coming soon)
Water Falls
Marshmellows
Muck Muck (Fire)
Crocheting
Hiking
7 mile bike ride down a "mountain" (Ashley followed me in the truck and said I looked HOT!)
Spending time with my neice
Watering my front yard

Second: This is officially day 19 of not smoking. That's pretty fucking cool. I'm happy about it. It hasn't been easy and I still want to kick babies but am keeping that urge under control.

ThirdI now have an appointment with a behaviour health person (aka therapist) to just sit and talk about what life has been like since coming off my paxil 6 weeks ago. I haven't seen a therapist in over 7 years so am a little anxious. I also am waiting for approval from my PCP (primary care physician) to get appointments with a naturopathy specialist as well as acupunture. I wish I could get them to okay massage but I don't feel like pressing my luck.

Fourth I'm thinking about only working 20 hours a week until school starts up the last week of September. I don't know why I push myself. I'm not 25 years old any longer and need to realize this. I don't need to work crazy hours. Financially we're okay but I don't want to feel like I'm not working as much as Ashley. I make almost triple what she makes so I just need to slow down and take time to do what I want (work on the yard, spend time at starbucks, sit on the beach). My mental health is very unstable right now and I need to step up to the plate and take care of whatever "taking care of my mental health" means.

FifthMeh...no fifth!

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:41:47 GMT

Today's icons: